I didn’t write this. I have no idea who did, it just amuses me a great deal.

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Professor Hombre
Chair – Search Committee
Department of Biochemistry
University of Towanda Health Sciences Center, Towanda, IA

Dear Professor Hombre,

Thank you for your letter of March 6. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite the University of Towanda’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this May. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,

Goddard Youville